Collection of Jokes

The following are jokes that have been sent to me over the past few months. Thought I'd share the laughs with the rest of you! Enjoy! ---Cindy


(10/07/97)

Yet another collection of potential .sig quotes... :-)

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sun shine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


(09/07/97)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


(9/7/97)

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!"


(8/25/97)

There were three men walking across the beach and they came a cross this lamp. They all three decided to rub to see if a genie came out. Well, all three rubbed it and a genie did come out, and he said "since you all three rubbed the lamp you each of you get one wish." So the first guy thought and thought, and said I want to be 50% smarter, and poof!, he was. The second guy thought and thought and said I want to be 100% smarter and poof! he was. Then the third guy thought and thought and said I'm gonna top em both. I want to be 200% smarter! The genie said I don't think you wanna be. And the guy said yeah I do, and the genie said no you don't. So finally after much insistance the guy was granted his wish, and became 200% smarter...he became a WOMEN!!!


(8/20/97)

ELVIS

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."(John
7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to
Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
snow."(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.


(8/20/97)

A Blonde was very tired of all the "Blonde" jokes. She really thought they were degrading to her and her intelligence. She decided to show everyone that Blondes could be intelligent. She would learn all the state capitals and that would show people. She sequestered herself for three weeks, and finally learned all the capitals of all the states.

The next Saturday night at a party, she overheard someone telling a "dumb Blonde" joke. She walked over to the man and announced that although she was Blonde, she was far from dumb. She could name the capital of any state. The man looked at her incredulously and said, "What is the capital of Wisconsin?" She tossed her hair and gave him a smug smile announcing, "W".


(8/20/97)

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroreous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Meaningless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


(4/6/97)

An eagle, who had lost its mate, search the forest for another, but there just weren't any single eagle to be found. Desperate, he swooped down and grabbed a dove. Back in the nest the dove constantly would say, "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, and I love to love." This drove the eagle crazy, so he kicked her out. Again, he searched and this time he grabbed a loon. Back in the nest the loon constantly would say, "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, and I love to swoon," This, also, drove the eagle crazy, so he kicked her out, too. Again, he searched and this time he grabbed a duck. Back in the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you've made a mistake."


(4/2/97)

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, and the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who in the heck is the owner?"

"I am he", answers the old man.

"You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, `What your name?' `He say Hans Olaffsen.' She look at me... `What your name?' I say Sam Ting."


(4/1/97)

A man was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer.

So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?"
The man said,"Pete."
The cop asked,"Where ya from, Pete?"
He said, "The balcony."


(3/10/97)

Ten Reasons Star Wars is Better Than Star Trek

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely set on "stun."

9. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After some Cardassian torture and starvation, Captain Picard looked like hell.

7. The bizarre aliens in the Mos Eisley cantina would make fun of Spock's pointy ears.

6. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every female alien he encounters.

5. "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" just sounds cooler than "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise."

4. Captain Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

3. The starship Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

2. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg collective with one glance.

1. One word: lightsabers.


(3/8/97)

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he finally found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for quite some time. In the meantime, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver and administered a breatherlyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy......"


(2/10/97)

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


(2/10/97)

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


(2/10/97)

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


(2/10/97)

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."


(1/14/97)

Dolly Parton and Princess Di die and arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter tells them, "I'm sorry to tell you this but we have an overcrowding situation at the present time. Only one of you will be allowed to enter. I have decided to determine who will go in by what you were doing at the time of your demise."

Dolly said, "I was looking in the mirror when I died."

Di replied, after much embarrassment that she was sitting on the toilet.

St. Peter told Dolly, "I'm sorry, but the princess will be going in."

Dolly was furious. "Why?"

St. Peter replied, "Everyone knows that a Royal Flush beats a pair."


(12/23/96)

A frog called the psychic hotline for information about his social life. The psychic told him, "I see a beautiful woman in your future and she will want to know everything about you. There is a good possibility she will touch your heart."

"Wow." Said the frog, "Where will I meet her? A dance, a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "In next semester's biology class."


(12/18/96)

One of the universities less bright football players was in danger of not being eligible for the bowl game. The coach made a deal with the dean to let the player play if he could show some intelligence. The coach picked Christmas as the topic of the questions. The dean asked the first question.

"Please name two of Santa's reindeer."

After a period of thought the player answered, "Rudolph and Olive."

The dean exchanged a puzzled look with the coach.

The coach jumped to the defense of his player. "Well, Rudolph was one of the reindeer, dean."

The dean countered, asking the player, "Where did you come up with Olive as a name of one of Santa's riendeer, son?"

The player said "From the song." When the dean and coach still looked puzzled, he added, "Olive the other reindeer."


(12/17/96)

Looking down at the defendant, the southern judge said, "Mr. Riley, I'm giving you a suspended sentence."

Tears pouring from his eyes, Riley cried, "Oh, thank you, Your Honor!"

"Don't thank me," the judge replied. "I'm sentencing you to be hanged."


(10/14/96)

Norm The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


(10/14/96)

God was looking down at the earth one day, and he decided that he wasn't happy with the way things were.

He decided that he would send three of the most important people in the world up to him to have a little talk. In a boom of thunder, he sent up Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. God told the three of them that he is really disappointed at the human race, and that they hove one week to prepare for the end of the world.

In another boom of thunder, God sent the three important people back down to earth.

Bill Clinton called his cabinet in and told them that there is good news, and bad news. The good news is that there is a God, and the bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.

Boris called in his staff, and told them that there is bad news and even more bad news. The bad news is that they were wrong, and there really is a God. The other bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.

Bill Gates call in his top engineers and told him that there is good news and even better news. The good news is that Bill was regarded as one of the most important people in the world, and the the better news is that they no longer have to worry about trying to fix Windows 95


(10/11/96)

There was this Harvard grad, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She sad, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree".

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is!" the man said, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Are you trying to tell me that you have an Internet connection, too?!"


(10/8/96)

Three professors from the Engineering Department at a local university had long discussions about theology after their Thursday morning staff meetings. One Thursday, the discussion turned to the human body and what kind of an engineer God would be to have designed it. One professor said, "God must have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the way all the parts move. The ease of flow. The elegance of the bone structure and muscle alignment." The second disagreed, "God must have been an electrical engineer. Look at the way all the parts move. The complexity of the nervous system. The neural network of the brain with all those synapses." The third simply stated, " God had to have been a civil engineer." The other two asked for some proof. "Well, who else but a civil engineer would run a liquid waste management system through a recreational facility."


(10/7/96)

A woman boards an airplane and sits down in one of the First Class seats. The stewardess come up to the woman and asks her to please move to her assigned Coach Class seat as this seat will be occupied. The woman looks at the stewardess and says, "Just because I'm blonde don't take for granted that I am dumb. I have a very good job and I am sitting here until this plane lands in Jamaica." The stewardess is at a lack for what to do and goes to her supervisor. The Head Stewardess goes up to the woman and asks her to move, explaining that the plane can't move until everyone is seated and she is in someone's seat. She gets the same response. "Just because I'm blonde don't take for granted that I am dumb. I have a very good job and I am sitting here until this plane lands in Jamaica." The copilot overhears the last exchange and offers his assistance. He approaches the woman and whispers something in her ear. The woman gives a surprised look and immediately moves to her Coach Class seat. Confused the stewardesses ask the copilot what he told her that got her to move so quickly. He replied, "I informed her that the First Class seats weren't going to Jamaica, only the Coach Class seats."


(9/16/96)

Dr. Benson is a regular at Teddy's Bar. He comes in every day at 4 PM and orders a daiquiri laced with crushed almonds. One day Teddy discovers that he forgot to order a new shipment of almonds. He looks at the clock and realizes that he doesn't have time to run to the store before Dr. Benson comes in for his drink. He scavenges around and find some Hickory nuts. He crushes them up and serves the drink to the doctor.
"Teddy," Dr. Benson exclaims, " This isn't an almond daiquiri."
"That's a Hickory Daiquiri Doc."


(7/28/96)


In India they have a large problem with the "sacred" cows. Since they can go anywhere they want to, there is a problem with sanitation. What do they do with all the droppings. A researcher there has come up with a possible solution for this problem. He has developed a method that will take the cow pies and turn them into erasers for pencils. This gives a whole new meaning to the term "#2" pencil.

(7/20/96)

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead.

Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS. The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal.

The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS. They buried the bishop the next day.


(7/15/96)

An avid golfer was having a bad day. He was facing a particularly rough water hazard shot. Frustrated, he looked up and said a little prayer. "I'm using some really expensive balls here, Lord. Please help me so I don't lose another one." As he stepped up to address the ball, he heard a distinctive voice say, "Take a practice swing." He, immediately, stepped back and took a practice swing. As he stepped up to address the ball, again, he heard the same voice say, "Take another practice swing." He, immediately, stepped back and took another practice swing. As he stepped up to address the ball the third time, he heard the voice say, "Use an old ball!"


(7/12/96)

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.


(7/12/96)

Three blondes walk into a bar. The bartender comes up to the first and asks, "What can I get for you?" She replies, "I'd like a VT, please" The bartender looks at her and can't think of what she wants.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea what a VT is. Can you be a little more specific?"

"It's a Vodka Tonic, DUH!", replies the first blonde.

The bartender comes up to the second blonde and asks, "What can I get for you?" She replies, "I'd like a BL, please" The bartender looks at her and can't think of what she wants. "I'm sorry, I have no idea what a BL is. Can you be a little more specific?"

"It's a Bud Lite, DUH!", replies the second blonde.

The bartender comes up to the third blonde and asks, "What can I get for you?" She replies, "I'd like a 15, please" The bartender looks at her and can't think of what she wants. "I'm sorry, I have no idea what a 15 is. Can you be a little more specific?"

She replies, "It's a 7 & 7, DUH!"


(7/9/96)

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"

The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head.

When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.


(6/27/96)

A man's having a drink at a bar, when another patron walks over to the open window and jumps out. The man rushes to the window to see the guy fall 25 stories, then just short of reaching the ground, stop and bounce all the way back through the window.

Amazed, the man exclaims, "How did you do that?!"

"It's easy. There's this updraft right before you reach the ground that brings you right back into the bar. You should try it."

A little uncertain, the man hesitates, but then decides to try it. He walks over to the window, pauses, and jumps. He falls 25 stories, then SPLAT!

The other guy calmly walks over to the bar and orders another drink. As the bartender serves him he says, "Superman, you're such an a--h-le when you're drunk."


(6/17/96)
TOP TEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE FLAMETHROWERS

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online--always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.


(6/15/96) Jerry Seinfeld:

ON DATING:

- - - - Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

- - - - What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

ON SEX:

- - - - Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

- - - - Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

THE RELATIONSHIP:

- - - - Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."

ON CLOTHES

- - - - I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

TRAVELING

- - - - I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.

And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

- - - - You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

- - - - Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.

Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

DEATH

- - - - The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."

THAT'S ODD

- - - - I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?

What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"

- - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it."

And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."


(6/12/96)

Here's the definitive explanation of why a computer hangs
-or-
What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, "Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Debbie Bartlett ~;-)

Sales Manager/Support Staff
Biddeford Internet Corp


(6/11/96)

This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.

The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.

The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really longtime. Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish."

The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right back.

The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!"

The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch *pianist*, do you?!"


(6/4/96)

The man who played Tattoo on Fantasy Island gave 63 Million dollars to support a homeless shelter for little people. Any homeless little person would have a place to stay free of charge. The building and all the furnishings are all about half size. He mentioned that he was having trouble finding a firm to manage the project. No one wanted to represent STAY FREE MINI-PADS.


(5/30/96)

A little know fact, but years before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb an Indian buck named Wise Buck performed a similar scientific miracle. Whenever they would use the outhouse, the Indians would stumble about and make a lot of racket, waking everyone else up at the settlement. Thus using principles set down by Benjamin Franklin, the clever Indian strung up lights in the john. In fact, Wise Buck was the first person in history who ever wired a head for a reservation.


(5/28/96)

A Redneck and his best friend Tony were out duck hunting when suddenly a magnificent mallard flew over head. Shouldering his rifle, Tony blasted it from the sky.

"Great shot, huh?", exclaimed Tony.

"Sure was.", said the Redneck, "But you wasted a bullet."

"How do you figure that?", replied Tony.

"Well,", said the Redneck, "the fall alone would have killed it."


Two easterners from New York City, went duck hunting for the first time. They went to a local sporting goods store and bought all the latest equipment. They also rented two of the best duck hunting dogs in the county.

Discouraged after two days, they returned the dogs. They had seen alot of ducks, but they hadn't bag one. On the way home at a diner, they over heard a group of hunters bragging about how many duck they had gotten.

"I wonder how they did it?" asked one.

His partner replied, "Maybe we weren't throwing the dogs high enough?"


Sean O'Toole wanted to marry the love of his life, Megan O'Hara. So he planned to give her the ring on St.. Patrick's Day. He went to the jewelry store and found that he could only afford a zircon. So that is what He bought and gave to her.

Megan was so proud of the ring that she showed it to everyone. She was also so in love that she couldn't see it for what it was. One friend told her, "That isn't a diamond, that's an imitation, a zircon."

Megan took the ring to a jewelers and he confirmed that her friend was right, it was a zircon. So she confronted Sean.

"How could you give me a zircon?" She asked.

"Well, darlin', I did it in honor of St.. Patrick's Day." Sean replied, "I gave you a sham rock."


There was once two elderly gentleman, George and Fred. They had been living together ever since their wives died ten year ago. They got along quite well since they were both avid baseball buffs. Their only concern was that there wouldn't be any baseball in Heaven. None of the religious leaders they had asked could satisfactorily answer the question. So they made a pact that whom ever died first would have to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in Heaven.

AS things go, Fred died first. After the funeral, George was sitting drowning his sorrows in a re-run of the 1969 World Series. Suddenly there was a light in the room and a voice said, "George!" He stared in disbelief, not being able to say any thing. The voice said again, "George!"

"Is that you Fred? Quick! Tell me! Is there baseball in Heaven?"

"George, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Give me the good news first."

"Yes, there is baseball in Heaven."

Ecstatic, George asked Fred, "That's great. What could be the bad news?"

"George, You are scheduled to pitch tomorrow."


Everyone knows the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. But you may not know the rest of the story.

One day George Washington's father called him in to the study.

"George, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

"Yes," George answered, "I cannot tell a lie."

After a lecture on why George shouldn't chop down trees, his father said, "Well, George, I have decided that since you told the truth, I'm not going to punish you."

Two weeks later, George Washington's father called him in to the study. "George, did you push the outhouse into the Potomac?"

"Yes," George answered, "I cannot tell a lie."

George was surprised when his father took him over his knee and spanked him.

"Father," George asked, "I told the truth. Why are you punishing me now? You didn't punish me when I told the truth about the cherry tree."

His father looked at him and said, "I wasn't in the cherry tree."


Two easterners from New York City, went deer hunting and shoot a nine point buck. They sere having a really hard time dragging the big animal back to the truck. Another party of hunters coming in the other direction, stopped to admire the buck. One of them said, "You have been dragging the deer by it's hind quarter. You are dragging against the grain of the fur. You know if you drag the deer by the antlers, you will be dragging with the fur and it will be allot easier."

The two tried it for a while. "You know, he was right. This is easier."

The other replied, "Yeah, but we are getting farther away from the truck."


A group of eight Rednecks were out hunting. They split up into groups of two in the morning. They planned to all meet back at the campsite at about six that night. At 6:30, all the groups but one had returned. None of them had even seen a deer all day. As the hours past, they started to worry about their missing friends. Finally at 11 PM George came stumbling into came dragging a beautiful six point buck. Everyone was relieved and excited. George had to retell the story at least ten times. Finally, at 2 in the morning, one of the group noticed that Fred hadn't come back with George. Everyone had been too excited about the buck.

"Where's Fred? Didn't he come back with you?"

"Right after he shoot the deer, Fred got so excited that he had a heart attack and died. There was nothing I could do."

"So, you left him there?"

"Well I could only drag one of them back to the camp. I figured, nobody would steal Fred."


A Zen Buddhist Master found himself in need of dental work. On arriving at the dentist's office, he told the receptionist, "It is very important that I not have any Novocain. The dentist will understand. He is one of my students"

After the man left, she had to find out why he would refuse the pain killer, knowing he was going to have a root canal. She went in to the dentist and asked, "Why didn't he want medication? Is it against his religion?"

The dentist replied, "To Transcend Dental Medication."


A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


An Irish lad named Sean was doing so well with his furnituure business that he decided to take a trip to France. when he returned to Ireland, his friend Brendan asked him, "why did you go to France, and you not speaking a word of the language? How could you make yourself understood?"

"Let me tell you," said Sean. "I met this lass in the pard. I drew a picture of plates and food, and so we went out to eat. After drawing a picture of people dancing, we went to a nightclub. At midnight, could you imagine, she took my pen and paper and drew a picture of a bed."

"Faith `n' Begorra!" exclaimed Brendan. "How did she know you were in the furniture business?"


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll go to the bathroom on it's head."


You might be an engineer if: